The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I party with great urgency now.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
