she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
