Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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