I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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