in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize