I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
