Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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