Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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