the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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