eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
well you can't waste a boner
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
