you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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