did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
