I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Also, beer. Big fan.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
