the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
