i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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