Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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