Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize