Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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