a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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