found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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