he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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