I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
