Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
