i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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