fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
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