addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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