He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
