She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
