she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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