i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
