Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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