life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
