I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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