You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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