good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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