So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
