I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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