So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
