The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
