angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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