I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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