last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
