I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she peed on how many people?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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