The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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