the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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