if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
