Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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