just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
