so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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