Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
