Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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