Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
