I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
