So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize