I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
