??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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