Pants 0. Shit 1.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
