Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
