Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize