i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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