I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
