I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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