Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
